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The New Indian Shopper - An Insight From Neilsen

Advertising would have us believe that... A Cross Post from Alt Del's Facebook Page...

A Cross Post from Alt Del's Facebook Page... Alt Del:

Advertising would have us believe that...

By Hari Krishnan and Astha Bhatnagar · Last edited on Tuesday · 

Edit Doc

Last year, this day a thread became over 200 comments long.

It was about self-mockery, something we ad folks are better at than pilots, engineers, surgeons and investment bankers.

Many of the comments were incredibly funny. We had fun.

Enjoy! And feel free to add on more.

Advertising would have us believe that...

·         Its cool to be ill mannered.

·         All little boys with glasses are cute, named Rahul

·         Housewives smile and respond pleasantly when asked about daily chores and brands like Harpic

·         Drinking one brand of sugared soda makes us incredibly smart while the other brand makes us incredibly unsmart

·         Saif and Kareena are always trying to impress each other

·         Cine idols and sport icons know everything about everything

·         Smart men and women wear overalls and paint their homes themselves

·         All good women are only concerned with their husband's careers and kids health. *DUCKS*

·         Sachin Tendulkar is actually concerned about cement brands

·         Cute kids can get away with murder. Cute women use oil free hair oils. Cute men play with cute kids near the washing machine while cute women make pasta for lunch.

·         That LG is all about...... Ok I give up. What is LG all about ?

·         Vijay Mallya selects all his Kingfisher Airlines people personally. Including the men.....

·         Adam Gilchrist needs to fake speaking hindi to impress Indian women

·         People wear ironed, coordinated pyjama sets to bed, and wake up fantastically groomed and brush their teeth

·         Yuvraj Singh uses the treadmill

·         Anyone can be a college dude with a broad strap sling bag. Even SRK.

·         Executives in pin stripes do a high five in front of their laptops when a deal is struck

·         Olive oil samosas are good for you. Indians seriously consider olive oil samosas

·         Hot chicks in convertibles give bhaav to men on 100 cc bikes by adjusting their shades onto their foreheads. Oh, and yes, one in three cars on Indian roads is a convertible

·         Women actually use Ibibo and not men pretending to be women

·         Everything to do with Rajasthan is just beautiful!

·         Airtel's network works !!!!

·         Cool guys always always flirt with other women and have the most gullible girlfriends

·         India breaks into a mythical jingle in every contrived situation.

·         There exists a white, whiter than the whitest white.

·         Bengali housewives are either pillars of tradition or succumb to the fragrance of cheap Indian deos. On lilting bengali music at that!

·         Mothers can also be pole dancers.

·         1 lakh women actually come and join the All India Pilapan Hatao contest in Eden Gardens!

·         That the Mumbai Indians are a highly skilled team of players who can catch and field....

·         Yuppie father and two kids actually wash their car on weekends.

·         Real women are beautiful.

·         Bikini clad woman can sell strength of cement!

·         Real men use brands like Wild Stone, Lifebuoy and Godfather beer.

·         Real kids go to school on bicycles and give smart alecky comebacks to uncles in cars.

·         Flawless skin makes go getters out of working women!

·         Refrigerators are picture-perfect from the inside. No burnt stainless steel utensils, only glass jars and tupperware. No half-opened sliced bread packs. No random green chillies and half lemons on egg trays along with strips of pudin hara and gelusil.

·         Young couples always flirt!

·         The entire family crowds on a single sofa and watches the same TV programme.

·         Aishwarya and Sonam both use L'Oreal, so what if every woman is worth it.

·         The family doctor is by and large a terribly good looking guy.

·         Women in sanitary pads suddenly get athletic

·         Life is truly miserable if one has to use SAADHARAN cooking oil or toothpaste or batteries.

·         Office girls DO go for bikers.

·         Nescafe is always had in red mugs in French balconies in 50s red frocks.

·         Deo is what helps you get laid.

·         All hair, skin, dandruff, detergent etc. experts have labs with sliding glass doors.

·         People using a brand only wear the logo colour.

·         The 'can't not be' on this list - Maggi takes 2 mins to cook.

·         Antacids/ antiflatulents are only meant for fat middle aged men. Pretty young girls neither belch nor fart.

·         Women always bathe in foamy bath tubs with rose petals, with the doors mostly accidently left unshut.

·       People actually notice any of this.

·         Air hostesses belong to families out of Cinderella and continue to stay ugly even post metamorphosis.

·         Drying clothes in the balcony is an immensely satisfying and sensual experience for most women.

·         Doctors always have small kids of their own, who run to their moms or dads in white coats whenever their cabin door opens!

·         The Nature-Meets-Science promise can work for any product category.

·         Fancy cars (even regular ones) drive only on scenic and suave European roads and not on the ones we have in Gurgaon!

·         Invariably all truck drivers are Sardaars who break into Bhangra or twirl their mustaches at any given opportunity

·         Truck drivers are passionate about the engine oil they use, and passengers interested in this piece of information.

·         Bournvita, Complan, Horlicks, Boost - they all make you smart enough to win all quiz shows/sporting events.

·         The Nature-Meets-Science promise can work for any product category.

·         Dads memorise mileage figures, moms memorise wall paint shades and their kids always ask metaphysical questions that neither can answer.

·         Indigo XL is India's only stretch limousine. The nation's heartbeat is a 100cc bike. Or that INdigo actually works.

·         Middle class Indians are aware, conscious citizens of the country with pristine glows on their faces.

·         Nobody reads the LHS pages.

·         Film grabs are good enough for the press campaign.

·         Consumption of fat free oils is immediately preceded by near death situations in the family.

·         A lot can happen around a washing machine or a refrigerator.

·         But life insurance ads conveniently skip any reference to death.

·         There are no whisky brands really. Left to themselves, they would rather be music CD's.

·         And those wireframe or explanatory anatomical figures are always missing their parts.

·         Boys wear prints, teenagers wear checks, men wear stripes, and only Gujjus wear florals.viruses and germs are stupid animated characters so what if they are progressively wiping out the human race

·         Its that one germ that always survives the onslaught of lifebuoy, dettol and various phenyl brands

·         Polio teeka dates are more important than birthdays or anniversaries.

·         Amitabh Bachchan gives a damn about polio.

·         Rakesh Bedi is a Nepalese watchman

·         Or that Shahid Kapur is the icon for young men everywhere!

·         Clean-shaven men without even a stubble apply shave foam and use a razor.

·         Saif fixes his own cup of tea.

·         Tea is inspiration for tabla n kathak.

·         To be different you must use the #1 brand that everyone else uses

·         Mumbai is one circle at Ballard pier

·         One must patronise the CWG if one is patriotic

·         Children 'wont try it at home' because they'd rather obey statutory disclaimers in 10 pt size than their 80 Kg dad or 60 kg mom.

·         Chocolate and ice-cream lovers are either anorexic or have six-packs.

·         Bipasha Basu works out on the road, and no one stares.

·         Sharman Joshi uses a prepaid phone

·         Chinese or Frontier food tastes better with Kingfisher water

·         Tasting Slice with an ink dropper is better than having sex - sorry hari ;)

·       That clients are visionaries who can see generations ahead.

·        This is an awesome thread. Though a bit cynical, it's spewing out insights faster than a platoon of planners.

·         Getting a Bollywood star to dance for thirty seconds will sell mobiles by the millions.

·         Cement is a topic of conversation. So is Kamdhenu sariya.

·         That the colony you buy your house in will actually look like what they show

·         It is actually possible to get to the city centre/ station/ wherever they claim from the building/apartment complex/ colony in 10 minutes

·         Our housing problems will vanish if we opt for a Golf lifestyle

·         We have a choice !!

·         The traditional indian woman looses her control with a spray of deodorant or even a toothpaste smell...thats the bang for a buck

·         Customer service exists

·         There are 1411 tigers left in the wild and our blogging will help save them

·         You can drive an Alto to Lonavla.

·         Toothpaste is full of magic molecules that can make your teeth feel like the Taj Mahal.

·         Priyanka Chopra drives a scootie.

·         You are welcome into Vijay Mallya's home anytime, as long as you brandish a red coloured boarding card.

·         Complan makes you taller, Boost makes you smarter, and Mountain Dew increases testosterone.

·         Guys do hit on women with spectacles...

·         There are huge product variances in the dandruff shampoo category... And Kareena Kapoor uses Clinic Plus!

·         You can drive a Tata Safari across the river... I am not very sure if you can drive it even to the workshop!

·         You might run into Sania Mirza at a petrol pump.

·         With Baadshah masala, even Mrs.Chadha can make Sambar like Mrs.Reddy can.

·         The pre-Moov backache only happens to young housewives who wear their Saris kinda low...

·         Mile sur mera tumhara is for national intergration.... how about that for a change???/

·         That with all these products, you can live a happy, fulfilling life..

·         Your 2BHK with a putting green is posh, even if it's in Indrapuram. And Indirapuram is the next Beverly Hills

·         Bombay is made up of Marine Drive, Fountain, Ballard Pier, Chowpatty, and lots of trains in between.

·         People actually croon the Kingfisher jingle while they piss...

·         Splashing puddles will freeze in midair if one points at it while naming the soap

·         Penelope Cruz is just like us

·         SRK, Saif, Kareena care about DTH services and watch saas-bahu serials at home

·         Aamir Khan rescues two backpacking blondes because he believes in 'Atithi Devo Bhava'

·         ABs Jalsa and Prateeksha have been built on Binani cement

·         Insurance ads that show you in your seventies - that you'll actually live till then!

·         With and Idea connection one can start a revolution

·         Ladakh is the only place where people suddenly realise they are out of fuel, or looking for a service station....and help comes in the form of a maroon robed Mongoloid kid who gives them directions. Little Buddha School of Advertising.

·         God lives in Kerala

·         Dhoni will be your neighbour in that Ghaziabad flat you booked.

·         Salman wears a vest.

·         Your children will soon fly to the US because you took an insurance policy.

·         An AC purifies the air with its magic filter

·         Bikini clad girls play beach Volleyball in Gorai

·         Sweetie was a Steno, until she found Miracle Anti-Ageing Cream. She is now an IPL Cheerleader.

·         Peons wear khaki, Clerks wear blue, dudes wear pink, bosses wear suits, even in humid Madras.

·         The day you change your toothpaste, that hot and agreeable thing will be at the next bar-stool.

·         Road rage is not a factor when stars play cricket on top of cars and buses at rush hour

·         Most of the world's scientists are working on new mouthwash, shampoo, detergent, and sanitary napkins.

·         Village belles use Liril at pools and waterfalls

·         Pugs don't bark or bite

·         An HCL engineer will travel to Thekkady every now and then, to help a forest guard access his bank account.

·         If you eat cadbury's and shake your two left feet no one will sing billo can't dance saali

·         Issuing full page ads with social or patriotic messages is penance for corrupt corporates

·         Prospective air-hostesses are interviewed by five or six bearded gentlemen who look like investment bankers.

·         Buying a branded microwave will suddenly make dal chawal appear gourmet

·         Babies have a ball in the bath... and moms have just as great an experience

·         Rajnikanth is human

·         That people would actually want to Burn the Road, or Ignite their Dreams, or Live King Size... Or worse, just Be More!

·         People remember logos... They are also very sensitive about where you place them and how big they are...

·         You will invite a voluptuous babe to play carrom while your friend minds her dog

·         Reading a magazine will make the reader more intelligent

·         It's OK if a Radial tyre and an insurance brand promise you the same thing...

·         Someone owning a premium two-box can park it on the terrace of his downtown penthouse.

·         People booked flats at Gaur Green Estate because of the 

·         Amitabh-xerox VO in the radio spot...

·         That people will see your film, note down the brand URL, and login immediately... They were just waiting for you to tell them.

·         That 'Call Now!' excites them like getting propositioned...

·         Lovely Professional University is the ninth Ivy League College

·         Surdy kids carry paranthas in their lunch boxes, and winners carry smileys with lots of sauce.

·         People will not take social ads seriously unless it has a Shammi Narang VO

·         You must replace your MPV with an SUV else your NAV will be zilch

·         Indian elevators are unmanned, clean, walls are unstained, have mood lighting and the perfect venue for seduction.

·         All young people are cool, shake their heads while listening to their iPods, chew gum and have a "dude....whatevaaa" expression

·         Most people understand bhp, torque, rpm, pmpo, rms, sata

·         Srk cannot do a tubewell or tractor ad while pukhraj wadhwa can

·         You speak to yourself in Irrfan Khan's voice while making a rational purchase. And switch to a seductive woman's voice while indulging.

·         Grandfathers in large joint families are ex-Colonels and always poised to Court Martial someone.

·         The man in THE suit walks in slow motion

·         Checking who has the most dandruff free hair is actually a mega contest worth having, complete with KBC type sets and Bipasha as the host!

·         Sexy women in convertibles actually lust for men on 100 cc motorbikes overtaking them.

·         Firangs make the product firangiiiii

·         Married woman are always up to it while its always the middle aged working man who is too tired to Go out/Play with kids Or Do it!

·         Everyone who goes to college oozes cool and there is no one who dresses badly.

·         Toppers go to Amity University

·         Every builder is making the House of Our Dreams.

·         There has never been any secretary who has not been slutty or is dying to sleep with the boss. And there are no male secretaries.

·         There are sensitive men who visit old age homes on weekends, play hopscotch with little girls on streets, cuddle cute little woolly puppies but they are not gay.

·         Hari Krishnan: Every family has breakfast, lunch and dinner on the dining table. Perfectly laid out cutlery and table mats. No one watches TV while eating

·         Raghu Venkatraman: Maggi Ketchup is available in restaurants and prisons

·         Being a bimbo is a virtue.

·         You are the guy who should be feeling happy because the pizza was delivered hot.

·         Girls using hair removal creams mostly wear satin. 2. Its the cream and not cg even when the face does a complete morph with special effects in the same shot.

·         If Speedy Gonzalves doesnt say "insurance is a subject matter of solicitation", you will hire a lawyer immediately to sue the Max Life Insurance

·         IIPM is next only to IIM

·         Aircel pocket apps is your elixir for all needs from dating to plumbing

·         Sonali Bendre used 'saundarya saabun Nirma'...

·         That hoarding among a dozen others at the cross-road stands out because the brand manager had the sense to increase 10 magenta at the last minute.

·         That hoarding among a dozen others at the cross-road stands out because the brand manager had the sense to increase 10 magenta at the last minute.

·         Indians can't resist a song, so if your product sucks, just get the Jingle bells ringing...

·         Maggi gets ready in 2 minutes.

·         Dhoni is going to be your neighbor in Amrapali Residency.

·         Sachin needs an insurance policy to secure his son's future.

·         One brand of cement is really different from another.

·         Panditji Astrologer is the guy to tell you where to invest.

·         All families take showers together and then pose in towels for photo ops

·         Abhishek Bachchan has a fan following.

·         And that his father has real hair.

·         Shahid Afridi is still 17.

·         You can be sloppy and ketchup the walls as paint is washable... and one must get srk to paint walls everytime some dolt spews paan

·         Women can have "happy" periods if pads are cheap

·         Pandas eat sugar coated candies, not shoots and leaves

·         People actually know the brand of spark plugs in their cars

·         If you get home an HP computer with Intel Pentium Processor 9 your kids will draw, paint and pursue creativity and won't play GTA San Andreas

·         That everyone in the 18-24 age group has watched Sholay - Gabbar and Thakur are their fav characters

·         Mr Bachchan can get into Symonds washroom. He doesn't even endorse a Life Insurance brand.

·         That the best way to do teasers in print is to do island ads on top right corner on every alternate page of the newspaper.

·         The moment a dumbfuck begins to use close up as his toothpaste you would pounce on him and kiss him.

·         You can indulge in Parkour across the city and the cops won't touch you if you are drinking Thums Up

·         That bursting open of Cadbury's chocolate balls is directly proportional to a fantasy coming true!!

·         People should rise up in respect for Dhak Dhak Go desh ki dhadkan coz its the National Anthem.

·         Aquaguard representative who will ring your doorbell will be this slickly dressed, Clean,clean shaven, impeccable hair guy.

·         Mobile phone services are preserving the Institution called Marriage

·         The world needs another two rupee ball point pen.

·         The key ingredient for India to make its mark globally is Rajnigandha Pan Masala...

·         It also is the epitome of Eliteness intertwined with Success- Rajni gandha !!!

·         That we are dying to get into a relationship with our bank.

·         That an Aaj Tak crew is hiding in the flight toilet to inspect salt levels in your teeth

·         John Abraham needs Garnier for fair skin and that his Parsi lineage is of little help

·         If you eat Sugar Free desserts you'll lose weight.

·         Ranbir Kapoor can act.

·         When Hutch became Vodafone, all the pugs were retrenched and Zoo-Zoo's were hired instead.

·         Pantene stops hair fall n dandruff.

·         Rajnigandha makes u invincible and also cool.

·         My car will be over-attended by a troupe of choreographed servicemen in blue everytime I refuel at HP.

·         We are fools to attempt living without that lucky banian.

·         The world existed in Sepia tone pre 1970s.

·         Advertising would have us believe that- This discussion has actually stopped. :-( ....Is that all....

·         Google will tell me how my Boss's wife is feeling this morning.

·         Men actually think hair dye will make them younger.

·         There is such a thing as a sexy neighbour.

·         Every cricket match is decided in the last ball.

·         You can leisurely munch chocolate at a bus stop in Bombay without any issues about it melting.

·         Priyanka Chopra has as much fun as the boys...

·         SRK uses Airtel's daily plans to minimise his bill...

·         That new hatchback is really different from the other 21 already in the market.

·         Gatorade is this magic drink even though it is chemically identical to ORS.

·         Amitabh Bachchan is actually on Twitter.

·         Life has actually improved for the kids from Tobu Cycles to Power Rangers, from Rasna to Pepsi.

·         That a Parsi parrot can convince me into changing my talk plan.

·         The sea on Kerala's coastline is aquamarine blue.

·         Saif's vest will solve a murder case without even any investigation.